The concept of “mental load” refers to the cognitive effort involved in managing and organizing responsibilities, tasks, and emotional labor within daily life. For women, this often encompasses the planning and oversight of family responsibilities, such as coordinating schedules, managing household chores, and ensuring everyone’s emotional well-being. Add to this a full time job, (the labor force participation rate for women 25-54 reached a series high of 77.4 percent in 2023) and it is understandable how this mental load can feel overwhelming, leading women to perceive it as a heavier burden than that of men.
In contrast, men also carry a mental load, but it often manifests differently. This often encompasses areas within daily life such as home repair, vehicle maintenance and yard work. Add to this the societal norm that still assign men the responsibility of financial provision, and what is created is a distinct but equally significant mental load.
Let me briefly explain what I mean by the societal norm that still assigns men the responsibility of financial provision. When a man is not able to maintain a stable income and fulfill societal ideals of achievement he is considered to be lazy, irresponsible and a dead beat. The choice to work or not to work is not an option. Women on the other hand have the choice to pursue a career or stay at home, and are praised in today’s society either way they choose. Obviously there are outliars. Both single men and women need to work. And some families choose duel incomes to provide additional financial stability. But for every woman who chooses to not work, there will be a man who is expected to provide financially.
Now let’s take a look at three areas where today’s society norms say women incur an unequal mental load:
- Childcare. Women are typically expected to take the lead in childcare, which includes not only physical care but also emotional support and developmental planning.
- Home management often falls on women as well, with the expectation that they will organize cleaning, cooking, shopping, and other household tasks.
- Emotional labor, the act of managing feelings and supporting others emotionally, is predominantly shouldered by women due to traditional gender roles that emphasize nurturing qualities in females.
Ok, let’s take a closer look at each one of these areas. And also what society calls “Women’s unpaid Labor.”
Childcare. I believe most men would agree that women provide the lions share as relates to childcare. And that is not by accident. Psalm 139:13 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” There is a special relationship between a mother and child that a man will never know. Women leading in childcare is not an expectation but a God given privilege. Providing emotional support and developmental planning to a child starts at conception and continues for a lifetime. The bond between mother and child is a gift that the world has turned into a burden.
But do men contribute in this area? Are there unacknowledged areas that when recognized add balance to the mental load? Let’s look at just one.
One of the hats I wear as husband and dad is IT Technician. When the Wi-Fi goes out in the house the extent anyone has to worry about it other than me is,”The Wi-Fi is not working!” The mental load is mine and mine alone. Why? Because I set up access to the internet provider. I connected the modem and router, and I integrated VPN security protocols. I ensure all phones, laptops, printers, and streaming devices are not only connected but provide fast reliable service. And when there is a disconnect, I methodically work through all required skills until Wi-Fi is restored: Problem solving, patience, communication, and endurance. And you know what, I feel good about having the skills to provide in this area. It is not a burden. The kids resume their studies, my wife can look up a favorite recipe and we all enjoy family night with a streaming movie and popcorn. This is sharing the mental burden; not highlighting one while ignoring the other.
Home Management. Let’s just assume that women do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and whatever “other” household tasks there are. (I do believe that men contribute more with these tasks in today’s society than they did traditionally.) But do men also contribute in this area? Are there unacknowledged areas that when recognized add balance to the mental load? Let’s find out.
Here are a few other hats I wear as husband and dad: Plumber, HVAC technician, mechanic, landscaper, electrician, home appliance repairman, and all men’s favorite, “Go downstairs and see what that noise is” Security guy! Leaky faucets suddenly stop leaking, HVAC system maintained and filters changed to provide heat and air conditioning, cars are safe, serviced, inspected, registered and washed and waxed. Grass is mowed, shrubs are trimmed, and snow is shoveled. Outside lights turn on when you hit the switch and firewood is split for the kids to enjoy a night by the fire. The burned out bulb in the kitchen is working, the garage door opens when you push the remote, and the washer starts when you shut the lid, (not always!) The fridge makes ice, and the dryer drys the kids school uniform for the next morning because the duct was cleaned at 11:30 PM the night before. And last but not least, plenty of hours of prayer over the family. And just like women, all unpaid labor. And equally important.
Emotional Labor. Women supporting others emotionally as it pertains to children is an area I understand all too well. I’ll give you one example. I have two girls who when upset would almost always run past me straight to their mother. For my wife, this created frustration and resentment toward me because the mental load was hers to carry alone. From her perception, I had it easy. The reality is I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. I often felt like I was a bad father. And to top it off, I felt guilt over something that I believed was out of my control. This was my mental load.
It is important to remember that men and women both carry mental loads. And both are equally valid; regardless what the world tells you. Love each other as Christ loves you. Respect each other’s contributions, opinions, feelings, and unique qualities. Be a cornerstone rather than a stumbling block. Humble yourself before God and pray for each other. When you look to God for guidance and embrace His principles in your life He will give you peace. Not to hide under a bushel, but to light up the world!